I’m afraid about planning for the future when I’m not sure if the people involved will still be around. You can ask Darius. I think it took me almost two years to stop qualifying all major plans that were more than a month or two away with “if we’re still together at that point.” I know it comes from having a number of relationships go awry before the time of the appointed plan.

It just hit me today that we’re making all these plans for a life that hasn’t even been born yet. So far everything seems to be fine. Stree was so active yesterday it was ridiculous. Darius even got a chance to really 100% no-question-about-it feel him move around last night when we were in bed (which, BTW, freaked him out a bit b/c OMG I have something alive and moving inside of me).

The other day I bought Stree his Halloween outfit on eBay. And we’re starting to get all of these baby clothing and paraphernalia that one needs when one has a baby. We got him a stuffed dragon. We found the cutest outfit at Target.com, which is most likely going to be his coming home outfit.

This morning it really hit me. We’re making all these plans and buying all these things, but what if he doesn’t make it. Or what if he does and then he dies soon after being born. Then, once again, I’m left with all of these plans and all of these things, reminders of what was supposed to be. And it scares me. Because I don’t want to qualify these plans with an “if he lives.” And while I know the probability of this happening is small, it’s still there.

This worry caused me to poke Darius on the shoulder this morning until he woke up and ask him what would happen if the baby died. Poor man, I don’t think that’s really the kind of question that is easily answered when half awake. He reminded me that it was very unlikely and not to worry about it, but if it does, we’ll wait until we’re recovered and then we’ll try again. Which made me feel both better and worse at the same time. I was thankful for the reassurance and glad that he is willing to go through all of this again with me, but on the other hand, it made me start fretting that if that was to be the case, would the new child just be a substitution for this one.

Welcome to parental worry?